Dear Boots...

Dear Boots,
Thank you for your lovely email today asking me if I could believe my toddler was "around 2 already"?

No, since you asked, I can't really believe it. It's a bit mad. Seems like only three minutes since she was born. It was nice of you to remember. I mean you could have sent a card, rather than an email with a generic picture on it. Also her name is CARA... but stilll, I'll not hold it against you. I know you are very busy selling chemisty type things and filling prescriptions so I'm okay with it.

Yes, she has indeed "spent most of the last year learning how to walk and run" - but what you didn't mention is how she spent an inordinate amount of time watching Something Special and shouting "Mr Tuuuuuumble" over and over again. Or indeed that her brother has taught her to say bottom, bum and poo. She's a charmer for sure.

So, you really think "this year her thinking and memory will improve". We could be in trouble here Mr Boots because she already has a scary memory. Mention that we will get a biscuit later to distract her from something just before bed and that child will wake at three in the morning shouting "Bicket! Bicket! Bicket, mammy!"
She's quite a dainty wee thing, but like an elephant, she never forgets.

You tell me in the next year she will learn colours and how to count. Well, *polishes mammy halo* she can already do that. Except for purple. She has issues with purple. She can count to ten as well. I think, frankly, learning her colours and how to count isn't very aspirational for her next year. I'm hoping she proves herself to be a child genius and earns me a small fortune or atleast takes over the world. .

Now Mr Boots... we have to have some words. You described in your email as a "confident mum" - and then, well, you dumped me. It was in kind of a "it's not you, it's me" way but I'm put out all the same. So now that you have used me - seen me through my pregnancy, got a baby, encouraged me to buy an awful lot of your own brand nappies and bottles you think you can just feck off.
Oh but don't worry you say...if at midnight I need calpol I can call into your midnight pharmacy. Well Mr Boots this smacks of two words... Booty Call.
You can't have your cake and eat it, Mr Boots. I'm not that kind of girl. You can't just toss me aside and expect to have me come crawling to you in the wee small hours whne I'm desperate. I'll go elsewhere. I might even go to....*gasp*.... Superdrug,
By the way I do no appreciate the tone with which you signed off your email.

P.S. You might be thinking about trying for another baby soon. Don’t forget to sign up to Boots Parenting Club if you get pregnant again, for more support every step of the way.

Are you mad? Are you absolutely crazy? Do you not know me at all???????

Mr Boots... I think we have come to the end of our journey.