Regular readers of this blog will know about my ongoing battle with depression. They may well even know that just over a year ago I had a complete hissy fit meltdown which resulted in weeks (yes weeks) of squealing, crying, not eating. not sleeping, just staring while waves of utter desolation washed over me.
It was the worst it has ever been and I was lucky - that particularly low phase, while it felt never ending at the time, lasted only a month or two and then tailed off until it was less bad and less scary and now it's only a couple of days of month and not so much about the screaming and the staring.
I read Marian Keyes' newsletter this month and it echoed how I felt back then and it saddened me because this is how Marian is feeling right now. She has laid her soul bare so many times and I applaud it for doing it again now and I hope, REALLY hope that is passes soon.
Her words, which I have pasted below, made me cry, because I know what she means. And I know that no one can help her but herself and that is what is such a bastard about this illness called depression.
This is much much worse. I know I’m leaving myself open to stinky journalists saying ‘What has she got to be depressed about, the self-indulgent whiner, when there are people out there with real troubles?’ so I won’t go on about it.
All I will say is that I’m aware that these are terrible times and that there are people out there who have been so ruined by the current economic climate that they’ve lost the roof over their heads and every day is a battle for basic survival and I wish I could make their pain go away.
But although I’m blessed enough to have a roof over my head, I still feel like I’m living in hell. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t write, I can’t read, I can’t talk to people. The worst thing is that I feel it will never end. I know lots of people don’t believe it, but depression is an illness, but unlike say, a broken leg, you don’t know when it’ll get better.
It's trite of me to say 'It will get better' but believe me, from painful horrendous experience - experience when I would hit myself around the head to try and stop the inner pain - it does pass.
For now I'll leave you with a quote she has posted... which truly is inspirational...
Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see.
Bill Wilson, in a letter 1950 in How Bill Sees It
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2021 Review Thingo
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Belated happy new year, comrades! Here’s the thirteenth
annual instalment of Review Thingo. All previous episodes are here. 1. What
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2 years ago
3 comments:
Claire, the best name for it I know is Lewis Wolpert's term: "Malignant Sadness". It captures how poisonous the misery of depression is, how much worse than being a bit down for a while, or things being tough for a while. All the things that Marian - and you - describe, and I recognise all too well. Best of wishes to anyone down in the depths.
I found her newsletter this month both sad and inspiring. She's incredibly brave (as you have been) to speak so openly and in doing so help others to realise they're not alone. My favourite quote was the one with the five tiny chapters?
Fx
That was my favourite too, Fionnuala. The hole in the sidewalk one? I've been worrying about her since I read the newsletter, which is mad since I don't actually know her. Hope she feels better soon.
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